Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
everyone has that one prude friend
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?