Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You Might Also Like
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals