WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
road rage
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
🤣🤣🤣