A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Sing it!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius