before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You Might Also Like
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe