Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?