“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
When the stylist spins you back around
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why I divorced her.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking