I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
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Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.