<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
mumsnet is amazing