Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
You Might Also Like
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Encore…
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
and now we wait
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes