CUTE CAT‼︎
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”