All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
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Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?