Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.