“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund