Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]