What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.