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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I finally found a reason to live again.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
kevin is now a local weatherman
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer