I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.