Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’ve been learning to cook.