Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no