Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil