All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
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Expectations vs. Reality
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT