[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there