Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.