“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*frowns in Scottish*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.