I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
my first day as a raccoon
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.