Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
me linking you to my twitter
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do