Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Brilliant!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Otters drive ottermobiles.