me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: