When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course