The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
When you’ve simply given up.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.