“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.