peep davidson
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Welcome to the stomach
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you