I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.