Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.