Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT