Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
haha same
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!