My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.