Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Well, this certainly took a turn
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!