WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop