Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.