My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
it was love at first sight
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.