BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Florida be like…
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
good work, everybody
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened