Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: