Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.