Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well