My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
no their not
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
who did the taste test?