As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now