LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?