time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?